The Final Page
by dtng4ever
Summary: It's been 10 years since Eli and Clare have spoken. Clare comes across a book that Eli has written that seems to be both an apology and him proclaiming his love for her. How will she react? Is it even as it seems? R
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is AU. It takes place when Clare is 25 and Eli is 26. In this, they have not interacted since Drop the World.**

The book fell from her hands and the final paragraph ran through her mind over and over again, taking in the meaning of the words. _But no, it couldn't mean anything, right? I mean, it's been almost 10 years. I'm just reading way too much into this._ Clare took a deep breath and picked the book back up off the floor and placed it back into her bookshelf.

She paced back and forth in her tiny apartment, trying to find a way to just clear her mind, her light shuffles speeding up along with her heart rate. Her breathing began to get erratic as the words from the page danced around in her mind, taunting her.

Sure she had noticed several parallels between reality and fiction in the story, but she Clare simply summed it up to him writing what he knew. She realized that the character Charlotte had many of the same characteristics that she held and Octavian, the protagonist, was definitely an exaggerated Eli, but the similarities kept going. It wasn't like in Love Roulette that was basically a fictional memoir of their relationship, this delved much deeper than that. This was a fictional retelling of Eli's life. No, Eli's memories and inner demons did not manifest themselves into a solid reality as they did in the book, but still, the pages held so much truth. But did that mean that the final page also held truth? If so, what could that possibly mean for her?

Clare hesitantly walked back over to her bookshelf and grabbed the charcoal colored book, flipping it open in her hands. She ran her thumb slowly across the name _Eli Goldsworthy_ that was on the bottom of the title page. Before she even knew what she was doing, Clare had the book flipped to back flap with Eli's picture and the short "About the Author" section. Her eyes searched his black and white ones, looking for any trace of familiarity, but only finding the soulless shell of her ex-boyfriend staring back.

Needing to look somewhere else, her eyes flicked down to the writing below his picture where it stated that he was currently residing in New York, working on his second novel. Clare felt like an emotional wreck. She was pretty much everywhere, ranging from ecstatic for Eli's amazing accomplishment, down to frightened for what it could possibly mean for her, and to nostalgic for when times were so much easier.

Clare's hands flipped back to the front of the book, but this time landing on the dedication page. It suddenly made complete sense. Before, she didn't think much of it, but now, those words seemed to be just as haunting as the words on the final page of the story. Clare reread the page, taking it in, knowingly putting herself through more emotional turmoil.

_To her._

_The only one who ever made me feel like I could get better._

Clare took a deep breath and traced her finger over the small print, the memories of his hoarding coming back to her. As strange as it would probably seem to most people, Clare categorized those times as some of the best in her 25 years. Sure she had to deal with more than any high school kid should, but the euphoric feeling that came from being with Eli more than made up for it. Once upon a time that feeling was more than enough for her. She would have gone to the moon and back for him, but then he changed. As the darker memories crept into Clare's mind, she felt her heart beat getting more ragged. How was it possible that even though she hadn't spoken to him in nearly 10 years, he could still bring out such a wide array of emotions from her?

She closed her eyes, trying to get herself back under control, before finally flipping back to the very last page of the book. The one that was just swimming around in the back of her mind. The one that she could just not forget, no matter how hard she tried. Clare took yet another deep breath and then read the words that she had already committed to memory.

_And in the end, they both made mistakes. They both hurt each other. The difference was that she made him stronger while he just shattered her into a million, irreparable pieces, an act for which he would never forgive himself. An act for which he only craved her forgiveness for. _

_Despite everything that had happened between them, Octavian knew that he would always love Charlotte even though she had obviously not felt the same way for some time. But he would continue holding out for her because she was worth it. She was worth everything. She __is__ worth everything._

_The End_

Clare had to set the book back down and once again try to shake the complete build-up of emotion from spewing out of her. She walked over and sat down on her couch, holding her head in her hands, still wrapping her head around the implications from the final page. She processed each individual word, trying to draw out any other possible meaning, but the only meaning was right there on top, clear as day. _Eli still loved her. _Even after 10 years, that ending passage broadcasted his lingering feeling to the world, or at least to her world. Anyone who knew her at the time she was going out with Eli would obviously know that new fact, as well.

Clare stood back up and walked up to the counter in her kitchen, grabbing her phone and quickly dialing the all-too-familiar number. The phone rang three times before a sleepy voice picked up on the other end.

"Hello?"

"Alli? It's Clare."

There was an audible sigh on the other line, "Well no shit, Sherlock. You know there is this thing called caller ID."

"There's no need to get hostile, Alli. I just really need to talk to you," Clare pleaded.

"Sorry, it's just that it's," there was a brief pause, "3:07 am. I apologize that I'm not Suzy Sunshine right now. So, what's so urgent that you had to wake me at this ungodly hour? I swear I just finally got the twins to sleep an hour ago."

Clare looked over to her clock where it did indeed say that it was 1:07 am, "I'm sorry, I didn't even realize what time it was, I'm just freaking out. Do you remember Eli?"

"Your crazy ass ex from Degrassi? How could I possibly forget? What about him?"

Clare sighed, "Did you know that he wrote a book?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that everyone who has ever gone to Degrassi knows that he has written a book. He and Craig Manning are our claims to fame." Alli yawned.

"Okay, well, have you ever read it?" Clare asked, desperately.

"No, psycho thrillers are not exactly my cup of tea. Why?" She questioned back.

Clare rolled her eyes, "It's just, after reading it, I'm pretty sure that Eli still loves me. I mean, I know that it has been so long since we have even seen each other, let alone actually be together, but Charlotte and Octavian were obviously created after me and him, respectively. And the two of them went through a tragic break-up after Octavian's inner demons literally came out into reality and they both hurt each other so much throughout the entire thing, but, in the end, it said that Octavian still loved Charlotte. If he is Octavian and I am Charlotte, then doesn't that mean that he still loves me?" Clare spilled out without stopping to breathe.

There was a long pause as Alli tried to decipher everything that Clare had just said, "Okay, so because someone loves someone else in his book, you think that Eli still loves you?"

"Did you listen to what I said at all? I could tell that the characters were modeled after us."

"I'm sorry that you were saying a thousand words a second. It's hard to keep up with you when you get like this. Especially on less than an hour of sleep. Okay, so you believe that Eli is still in love with you?"

"I know it sounds crazy, but if you read the book, I'm sure you would see it to. I just don't know what to do, Alli"

"Okay, so what if he still loves you? What should it matter? It's been years. Why should you have to do something? You have moved past all of that Degrassi drama. Plus, you just got out of a two year relationship with Kale. You do not need to put yourself through all of this. Just let it go, Clare. That was high school, this is real life. If Eli hasn't learned that after all of this time, then it's his problem, not yours."

Clare once again sighed and threw her head back, "I know. You're right. It's just that I can't stop thinking about it. It's like the words have permanently implanted themselves at the back of my brain. I try to shake them out, but they hold on tightly. And why did you have to bring up Kale? I really do not want to think about him on top of everything else."

"I'm sorry, but he needed to be brought up. You needed to be brought back to the present. And speaking of Kale, have you gotten the rest of your stuff from his place, yet?"

"Alli, stop trying to change the subject," Clare let out an irritated huff, "And no, I'll do that later."

"I'm not trying to change the subject. I am trying to drop the subject Clare. I thought that Eli was in the past. If he's not, then that is where he needs to be. You hadn't even thought about him for years. And that's it. That matter just needs to be dropped, never to be touched again. In high school, Eli was toxic for you; you do not need to even think about going there again. The end."

There was a long silence, then, "You're right Alli. Maybe I just need a good night's sleep and my head will be clear and I can forget that I ever even read his book. It's what is best for me. Thanks."

"You're welcome. Now I am going to try to go back t-," there was a loud cry on the other end, "Damn it. Lilly woke up which means Neil will be up-" Another loud cry broke through the air, "and there he is. I'll talk to you later, Clare. Just- just don't fret over the little things that don't even matter." Then her phone clicked off.

Clare hung up her phone and walked into her bedroom and sat on her bed, thinking over everything Alli had said. She let out a sigh of defeat before laying back, waiting for sleep to grab a hold of her and drag her under. After nearly 20 minutes, her wishes were granted as she fell into a restless slumber.

**A/N: And that is the first chapter of my very first multi-chap story. I hope that you all like it. I would really appreciate reviews. Constructive criticism is greatly needed. I'm not sure when I will post the next chapter, but I would like for everyone to hound me so that I don't abandon this, because I really do not want to. So, let me know if I should continue this or not.**

**Oh, if you're curious, or you want to help me stay on track with writing this, you can message me on tumblr at alltheeclarefeels. **

**I would like to give a very special thanks to ilovetaylorswift13 for giving me a TON of songs to listen to while writing. A lot of other people sent me recommendations; she just sent me the most, by far. But definitely thank you to everyone who did send me songs to listen to, I definitely appreciate it.**

**Okay, well this is getting to be a really long note, so just please let me know what you think. Okay, bye!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I know that this chapter is super short, but I liked where I ended it. I hope that you all ejoy chapter 2 of The Final Page. Thanks. **

_Eli took Clare's hand and pulled her in nice and close, adjusting his hands around her waist. Clare smiled widely and rested her head on Eli's shoulder, slowly swaying to the soft music. Eli grabbed her hand once again and twirled her around, a soft giggle escaping Clare's lips. She looked deeply into his emerald eyes, drowning in the depths hidden behind them. Eli smirked and leaned in towards Clare, his jet black hair falling in his eyes. He leaned even closer, his lips very nearly brushing against hers when all of a sudden the sound of crashing metal echoed around them. Clare pulled back, suddenly finding herself in the hospital with a broken Eli begging her to stay. _

Clare woke with a start, her heart beating mercilessly against her chest, a cold sweat beading on her forehead. She pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her face in them, trying to calm her frayed nerves. She wiped away a stray tear and once again laid back on her bed, feeling completely drained emotionally. She took a deep breath, silently praying the images now haunting her mind from that night all those years ago would just go away.

What was it even supposed to mean? She felt so safe and happy in Eli's arm, but then it all twisted, reminding her of why thinking about Eli was always a bad idea, but the thought of him just would not go away. Both good and bad memories competing for control of her mind and her emotions. The conflicting feelings of turmoil and elation seemed completely never ending.

"I mean, it couldn't hurt to just look him up and see how he's doing, right?" She audibly asked herself, "You know, it may even help me to stop thinking about him if I know that he's doing perfectly fine."

With her own reassurance, Clare sat back up in bed and grabbed her laptop from underneath her bedside table. She opened it up, logged in, and immediately clicked on her web browser, wanting to get this over with before she lost her nerve. She typed "Eli Goldsworthy" into her search bar and within a couple of seconds a page appeared with several results. She clicked on the first option, a link to his official website.

The page was dark, easily fitting his demeanor. Clare's eyes quickly scanned over the picture of Eli, the same soulless picture from the back flap of his book. After a minute or so of reading his about section, she noticed a link to more pictures. Clare hovered her mouse over the link for several seconds before curiosity got the better of her and she clicked the link.

The page came up and revealing something that Clare didn't quite expect; Eli smiling. In the majority of the pictures, Eli looked perfectly happy. Honestly, Clare wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. Of course, she wanted for him to be happy, after everything that he had been through, he deserved to be happy, but then what was up with the end of his book? The confusion was evident on her face.

In the back of her mind, something told her that she wanted to be the one putting that smile on his face, her head quickly snapped up at the thought, _what was that? You cannot think like this! You know that you are treading in dangerous waters. Just be happy that he is happy! _

She shook the thoughts from her head and quickly clicked off of the pictures to a different part of his website. She looked at the new page that was labeled "Appearances." Out of curiosity, Clare scrolled down the page. Only one signing was listed: _Chapters - Toronto, Ontario_. Clare gasped as she saw the date listed was only three days away. Once again, Clare's emotions were waging a war on how to feel about him being in such close proximity.

One part of her was ecstatic for the possibility of seeing him again, the possibility of thanking him for the dedication and the way Charlotte was portrayed in his book, but the other part of her had an endless loop of the Eli lying in the hospital bed mixed with pictures of him smiling, obviously perfectly happy without her reappearing in his life.

Clare reached behind herself to grab a pillow. She held it over her face and screamed loudly into it. She was really beginning to with that she had never decided to pick up that book. Everything about it was tearing her up inside. Just a couple of days ago, she was perfectly content with her life, but now she felt as if part of her were missing. This is the reason that she had banned herself from thinking about him for the first couple of years after their break-up. It was essential in her being able to move on, but now it seemed as if all of that was completely falling apart.

Every bit of her was confused. She knew that he was a bad idea. But, for some reason, that thought didn't seem to be enough for her right now. She knew that she needed to do something, anything to set her mind right about not needing him. She needed to remind herself of Alli's words. She needed to remind herself of the disaster that he had left in his wake. She just needed to convince the part of her that wanted desperately to go to that signing, that that was the wrong decision, that that decision would only lead to more confusion and, most likely, to both of them once again being damaged.

Quickly, Clare opened Word on her laptop to make a list.

Cons of seeing Eli

It's been 10 years

You're still moving past Kade

Morty... or a lack there of

He broke you

Timing has never been on your side

Last night's nightmare

He's perfectly happy without you

Clare couldn't help but feel a pang of pain shoot through her chest, but she knew that she needed to do this in order to keep a hold of her sanity. She quickly saved the file to use for future reference and then closed her computer.


	3. Chapter 3

As the day continued, Clare did everything in her power to keep her mind off of the boy whose image had managed to burn itself into the very front of her mind, becoming seemingly inescapable.

After creating her list of cons, Clare had spent nearly an hour just trying to meditate to completely clear her mind so that she could easily go back to living her life without the picture of him constantly hovering in her every thought. She let out a heavy sigh, realizing the meditation was definitely not helping at all. All that she had managed to accomplish over the last hour was to repeat the mantra "don't think about El- him" over and over again in her mind. But, every time she closed her eyes, all she saw was his green orbs staring back at her.

She had to get out. She knew that the tears were going to come soon if she didn't do something quickly. Allowing herself to miss him in this way was completely unacceptable. She stood up fast, momentarily throwing off her vertigo, and headed out of her small, downtown apartment.

Clare had been driving around aimlessly for nearly 20 minutes, focusing on what was going on around her instead of inside her mind.

She drove past several different shops when she noticed a random bench. It was just a completely ordinary bench, it wasn't their bench, but the sight brought the memories back all the same. Clare had to slam on her breaks in order to not smash into car stopped at a red light in front of her. She stayed stopped much longer than necessary, resting her head on her steering wheel trying to regain her composure as the cars behind her began honking. She calmed herself as best she could, and drove off, once again forcing herself to get lost in the outside world.

Clare pulled off into a parking lot, stopped her car, and felt herself being taken over by a wave of tears. She was going crazy. That was her only explanation. She had not allowed herself to cry like this over him since she left him in that hospital bed all those years ago. She had gotten rid of all of her feelings for him then, so why were they all coming back out now, 10 years later? She swore she would never allow herself to feel this way about anyone ever again, but here she was, breaking down in a pharmacy parking lot over the boy who had broken her more than anyone else had.

"What is wrong with me?" She asked herself in between sobs. She hit her head repeatedly on the steering wheel, hoping desperately to snap out of this bout of craziness. But no matter how much she hit her head, the tears and the pain refused to subside.

Clare quickly reached over and fumbled quickly through her purse, looking for her phone. She needed to call Alli, the one person who would be able to talk some sense into her. After panicking for a second, her hands finally found it. She quickly took it out and punched in Alli's number, waiting patiently for her friend to pick up the other end. Soon it clicked through,

"Hello?"

Clare tried to keep her voice even, "Hey Alli."

"Hey, what's up? Are you okay? You don't sound normal."

Clare took a deep breath, "Alli, I-I think I may be having a-a panic attack, or going crazy, or both." She hit her head against the steering wheel once again.

"What? What's going on? Do you need me to come and drive you to the hospital or something? It'll only take me a minute to get the twins dressed and in the car." Alli rambled.

Clare barely chuckled, trying to calm Alli down, "I don't need to go to the hospital, I just- I need you to remind me of why I'm not going to see Eli. I just can't stop thinking about him and it's making me crazy. I just had a complete breakdown in a freaking parking lot. It's like he is haunting my thoughts. I don't know what to do about this, Alli. I know you said that I shouldn't let myself feel this way, but I just can't help it and now I'm going to have to be locked up in a loony bin or something."

"Clare, take a breath. Calm down." Clare did so, "Okay, so this is still about Eli?"

Clare nodded into the phone before she realized that Alli couldn't see her, "Yeah, unfortunately. I just don't know what to do. I'm not supposed to feel like this. And did I tell you that he is coming to Toronto in a few days for a book signing?"

Alli sighed, "No, you didn't tell me that. But I don't think that you should go Clare. I mean, look at what Eli does to you, and this it's been years since you have had anything at all to do with him. Thinking about him isn't good for you."

"Well, do you have any way to make me stop thinking about him? Because everything I have tried thus far has just made me think about him even more. His image and his words and everything about him is permanently etched into my every thought and it sucks. It really, really sucks."

"Clare, maybe, I can't believe I'm saying this, but maybe you should go see him at the signing, but just so you can get closure. I'm sure that if you can just get that, then all of those thoughts will go away and you can just be you and be happy, again."

Clare thought for a second, "Cl-closure? Do you really think that would help?"

"Thinking about it, yeah, I do think it would help. I mean, you have gotten closure with all of your other exes, and you never obsess over them like this. With Eli, the end of your relationship was so sudden and tragic, the two of you never really got to actually let go of each other. The two of you may have been able to put each other out of your minds, but it was obviously only temporarily. Yeah, I definitely this this is the best idea for the both of you."

Clare took in Alli's words, thinking about the implication behind them, "So, just to reiterate, you think that I should definitely go to his signing? That us actually seeing each other may be the push we need to move along?" She paused, rolling the thought over in her mind? "I mean, it's worth a try, right?"

"I definitely say that it's worth a try."

Clare smiled a bit, "Thanks Alli. If this works, I really owe you one."

"I know, I am a genius" She chuckled, "but really, it's no problem. Call me after and let me know how it goes."

"Will do, bye Alli."

"Bye Clare." And the line went dead.

Clare put her phone back up, feeling much better than before, still a bit confused, but better, nonetheless.

Clare walked back into her apartment, actually somewhat looking forward to the upcoming signing. She walked over and sat herself down on her couch, hoping to just catch some mindless show to drown out any doubts about going for strictly closure and nothing else.

When she flipped on her TV, what should be on but, of course, the movie adaptation of one of her favorite books, a book that always brought a surge of memories_, Fight Club_. She was suddenly transported to their very first date, to the "contraband kissing" and the piercings. As these thoughts intruded her psyche, the first real smile that she has had in days graced her soft features. The smile widened as she was lost, recalling every last second, the look in his eyes, the feel of his lips, his smell, his taste, everything about the Eli that she had completely fallen in love with. She wanted more than anything to be able to be transported back to that night that started as her simply desiring to defy her parents and ended with her getting her cartilage pierced and having one of the best nights of her life.

She suddenly felt as if everything Alli had said about closure was completely wrong. She felt that she didn't need to get him out of her life once and for all, but quite the opposite, actually. She wanted him back in it. She wanted to be back to the way they were when they first fell in love. To when they both needed and desperately wanted each other. She wanted to feel his arms around her, to feel his breath tickling her ear as he whispers sweet nothings into it. She craved laying her head on his chest, feeling completely content in listening to nothing but the rhythmic palpitations of his heart. She was now realizing why no other relationship had worked out, she wasn't over him, she wasn't even close to being over him. Clare was still madly in love with the green eyed boy who had ran over her glasses all that time ago.

The smile was seemingly permanently etched onto her face as she sat there watching _Fight Club_ while reliving all of the highlights of her time with Eli.

**A/N: Okay, I know that was another pretty short chapter, but it was longer than the last one. I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter, but it'll have to do. And everyone should be excited for chapter 4 because Eclare will finally interact!**


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